Lap Dances

After hanging out tonight with some girls from my mom's side of my family, a few epiphanies have popped into my brain...


1) If you ever play a board game with my mother, be aware that she uses it as an outlet for all inappropriate or R-rated comments that have been lingering in the depths of her mind. Cover your eyes and ears as you feel necessary.
2) If you ever play with my sister, her ultimate goal is to scavenge your house to find the perfect prop during guessing games... so make sure you clean up before hand, and relocate any and all unmentionables to a cupboard at least 6 feet off the ground.
3) We have this thing in my family that some like to call "Pulling a Lang." It's a stare that you do when you  feel like spacing out, and I'd say that 90% of people with genetics from my mothers side do this stare at least 7 times daily. I tell people that I'm sleeping with my eyes open, and they kinda look at me like I'm insane, but I'm telling you it feels so good. The next time you see me, ask me about it and I will be happy to demonstrate.
4) No one in the world will ever cook better than my father. Try to prove me wrong. I dare you. So, to all of you fellas out there trying to romance me (all negative 4 of you), you better know how to cook... because my dad's inexplicable talents have left me with the equivalent cooking skills of a spoiled 6 year old.
5) Because of statement #1, I am boycotting family board games, until I get the name of a good therapist.
6) I have the musical knowledge of a 57 year old woman. Which, I have always thought was sort of cool and unique, but it actually leaves me feeling under-stimulated when playing "Singing Bee" with my 16 year old cousin and 18 year old sister. Games like "Singing Bee", if you are unfamiliar, have just about one too many Dionne Warwick sing-a-longs and not quite enough Katy Perry trivia.
7) In regards to the title of my post... we were playing a game that required the players to shout out activities that you do in a pool which start with the letter L. My mom's first response was lap dances. I think you now understand statement #5.


...


On a side-note... I have been tested by many people recently, who chose to make unnecessary snide remarks in attempts to make themselves appear more intelligent and intellectual to others. And since I am witty, but not quite as quick as I'd like, please consider the following statement my universal comeback... 


No one wants to be around someone who is constantly searching for and pointing out the flaws in others, in order to distract people from seeing the flaws in themselves.


Just FYI, it's a little bit cuter to poke fun at how stupid YOU can seem and how silly YOU can sometimes sound. If you try this, people might find you endearing and sincere, which are both qualities that form companionship and friendship and tend to humble you into becoming all-around nice person. 


Now, that's all the "Dear Abby" advice I have for now. Until next time...




"Promise yourself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble."