Sunday, July 17, 2011

I might as well just come out and say it.


This post will consist of random sporadic thoughts that have entered, lingered, and perhaps escaped my mind within the past week or so. If you're only interested in reading scientifically proven factual information, well... sucks to be you right now, because what you're about to read is strictly my not-so-humble opinion on matters in life.

  • Women who try to impress men by pretending to be more knowledgeable than they actually are annoy me.
  • Men who try to get out of things that women ask of them by pretending to be complete and total morons are equally as irritating.
  • I love when people start to sing a song around an "audience", get a little too cocky, and forget the words. Hys-terical, I tell ya!
  • People who cannot sing, should not sing. Seriously.
  • I should learn to take my own advice. Seriously.
  • For most of my life, I have stereotyped older males who make semi-inappropriate comments to teenage girls and young women as "creepers". Fortunately, I actually got a chance to prove my own theory incorrect. I won't go into any details, since I've already been mortified enough... but I will let you know that I discovered females can also be quite creepy. And for the remainder of my adult life, I vow to never again attempt hitting on a dude. Mortified may be an understatement.
  • My sister and I recently started watching old episodes of "Friends". It may have taken her about  5 minutes into one episode to divulge how strongly she felt my personality mirrored Phoebe's. Awesome. And I thought I went through my life living like Rachel. But nooooo, I gotta be a big weirdo. Great.
  • I need to figure out whether I'd rather portray myself as a mature woman or an immature girl. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but laughing uncontrollably when a lady in the next stall accidentally farts as she simultaneously sighs while taking a leak, and then going home to lecture my sister about leaving dirty socks on our bathroom floor is starting to feel like a serious conflict of interest.
  • People who talk just to fill in silence get on my nerves about as much as phony intelligent women and lazy stupid men. So... there. Take that. If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything.
  • I have absolutely no game when it comes to dating. Zero, zilch, nada, not happenin'. And I hate cats. So, I basically have nothing to look forward to in my future, since I'm destined to be a lonely, old, cat-less, hag.
  • However, if Wendy's still makes Wild Berry Sweet Teas when I'm 78 years old, I think I'll be in pretty good shape.
  • Also, I may have a chance with gentlemen, seeing as I know girls who are in their mid twenties, still pick their nose, and somehow maintain decently normal relationships. Listen up fella's! This girl's index finger hasn't come near a nostril in over 17 years! Sexy? ... I'm leaning towards yes.
  • Men need to learn how to drive like normal people, not like Jeff Gordon.
  • Women need to learn how to park like men, not 5 year old kids who can't reach the pedals or see over the steering wheel. 
  • I need to start seeing a therapist on a regular basis.
  • Actually, that's what you're here for... thanks for saving me the cash, peeps.
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