Sunday, November 14, 2010

Lap Dances

After hanging out tonight with some girls from my mom's side of my family, a few epiphanies have popped into my brain...

1) If you ever play a board game with my mother, be aware that she uses it as an outlet for all inappropriate or R-rated comments that have been lingering in the depths of her mind. Cover your eyes and ears as you feel necessary.
2) If you ever play with my sister, her ultimate goal is to scavenge your house to find the perfect prop during guessing games... so make sure you clean up before hand, and relocate any and all unmentionables to a cupboard at least 6 feet off the ground.
3) We have this thing in my family that some like to call "Pulling a Lang." It's a stare that you do when you  feel like spacing out, and I'd say that 90% of people with genetics from my mothers side do this stare at least 7 times daily. I tell people that I'm sleeping with my eyes open, and they kinda look at me like I'm insane, but I'm telling you it feels so good. The next time you see me, ask me about it and I will be happy to demonstrate.
4) No one in the world will ever cook better than my father. Try to prove me wrong. I dare you. So, to all of you fellas out there trying to romance me (all negative 4 of you), you better know how to cook... because my dad's inexplicable talents have left me with the equivalent cooking skills of a spoiled 6 year old.
5) Because of statement #1, I am boycotting family board games, until I get the name of a good therapist.
6) I have the musical knowledge of a 57 year old woman. Which, I have always thought was sort of cool and unique, but it actually leaves me feeling under-stimulated when playing "Singing Bee" with my 16 year old cousin and 18 year old sister. Games like "Singing Bee", if you are unfamiliar, have just about one too many Dionne Warwick sing-a-longs and not quite enough Katy Perry trivia.
7) In regards to the title of my post... we were playing a game that required the players to shout out activities that you do in a pool which start with the letter L. My mom's first response was lap dances. I think you now understand statement #5.


On a side-note... I have been tested by many people recently, who chose to make unnecessary snide remarks in attempts to make themselves appear more intelligent and intellectual to others. And since I am witty, but not quite as quick as I'd like, please consider the following statement my universal comeback... 

No one wants to be around someone who is constantly searching for and pointing out the flaws in others, in order to distract people from seeing the flaws in themselves.

Just FYI, it's a little bit cuter to poke fun at how stupid YOU can seem and how silly YOU can sometimes sound. If you try this, people might find you endearing and sincere, which are both qualities that form companionship and friendship and tend to humble you into becoming all-around nice person. 

Now, that's all the "Dear Abby" advice I have for now. Until next time...

"Promise yourself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Ultimate Wipe Out

As a kid, I vividly remember that about once I week, I would prance around the edge of the playground during recess, making up songs in my head and singing them outloud while the other kids broke their arms on the monkey bars. Yes... I was that kid. My parents say I was "creative". You may feel free to call me weird, I'm used to it.

Too cool, even back then.

The reason why I'm telling you this, is to give you somewhat of an explanation for that video I made in a previous post... I'm glad you all found it so entertaining. I see that the majority of you haven't changed since 2nd grade. It's ok, I thrive off being ridiculed.


For some reason, I was thinking about my childhood today and the memory of my first pogo stick experience came to mind. Let me tell you, it's a very painful memory. I actually think my tailbone is still jacked up from the fall. It was the first time I had the wind knocked out of myself. I don't really know why it happened... but I tend to be the kind of person who sees something cool that someone else is doing, and automatically assume that I can do it better. I'm sure that had something to do with it. Anyways... my friend had a pogo stick sitting in her garage and one day I looked at it and thought I'd give it a whirl.

Hello concrete floor.

The next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes that wouldn't go anywhere because I was too focused on getting more oxygen to my brain so that I wouldn't pass completely out. My tailbone felt like someone had literally ripped my tail (if I had a tail) off. The funniest thing about this memory is that the feeling of embarrassment surpassed the physical pain I was feeling at the time. I think it took me a good two weeks to get over the fact that I choked trying to impress the neighborhood kids with what I thought was cat-like agility. And gosh it hurt. It hurt so freaking bad. Now-a-days, if I trip over a shoelace and people are around, I immediately reach my hand out for their help. I don't give a crap if they are homeless bums begging for my change. Granted, now I'm about 80 lbs heavier, so the process of "getting up" is not quite as simplistic as it used to be.

Darn it. I just got so depressed. I was a kid back then! I should have been able to get on a pogo stick without breaking my face! I'm 22 years old. There is no way in hell that I could do that now. I'm done writing. I'm going to go look for a pogo stick in the garage. I must redeem myself.

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010

    How To Shu The Flu Bug Away

    Before the last two days, I avoided the upcoming flu-season like... well... the plague?
    I've never had the flu before, I normally just get a runny nose and sometimes an irritating cough, both of which aren't anything that I can't handle. Occasionally, I'll catch strep throat, but that's nothing that a good dose of antibiotics can't take care of.

    Well, Monday night, I noticed a slight tickle in my throat, which Tuesday morning had turned into tonsils the size of golf balls, with a hint of bursting eardrums. I went to the doctor at noon and after what I like to call an "I'm really hungry and want to get to lunch" examination, he concluded that I had a simple virus. I HATE going to the doctor when you feel just awful and all they tell you to do is to drink fluids and take Advil. Of course... because if they had not told me that, I would have stopped drinking completely, since sometimes that just slips my mind. And don't they know that I take Advil when I have a bad hangnail? I was frustrated and in misery to say the least...

    And since he was no help to me, I was forced to complete my own wellness regimen for flu-season. After 48 hours of torture, I'm actually beginning to feel better. So, in case you happen to encounter a nonchalant doctors visit much like the one I previously explained, please take the following tips into consideration...

    1.) Be sure to keep plenty of throat lozenges handy... aka 19 bowls of ice cream.

    2.) Pain relief is good... don't try to tough it out or rub some dirt on it. I tried that; it really irritated my throat.

    3.) Continue drinking water and fluids like you normally do. I'm not going to treat you like you're a 2 month old infant.

    4.) Be sure to have the remote control within arms reach. I'm living proof that while you are on the road to recovery, you could easily catch cabin fever and go plum crazy.

    5.) Make sure you also keep a strong, burly man handy... to be at your beckon call for more ice cream, pain relief, water, and to switch to the next season of Friends DVDs. (I'm only using my teddy bear as a prop... my strong burly man is currently busy driving to the store to restock on Popsicles. Duh.)

    6.) When all else fails, Grandpa's good ole' cough medicine never hurt... until you wake up with a killer hangover the next morning.

    Rinse and repeat.
    ... and good luck.


    I feel worse than ever. I think my butt has permanently adhered itself to my couch cushions. Do not follow any of my previous instructions.

    Monday, November 1, 2010

    Scary Things Scare Me.

    After reading my last post, you now understand that I enjoy Halloween, but I guess I should have been a little more specific. I like the fun parts of Halloween. The dressing up, the candy, the entire idea of getting into character (it's the performer in me). But, will someone please explain to me why people enjoy being scared? I don't get it... at all. Fear is a basic instinct, built into each one of us to keep us away from danger. So, I'd like to inform the people who pay money to go into haunted houses and to see scary movies, that you are lacking something very important in your biological make-up and may want to consult a physician. Trust me, I get the whole "high-off-adrenaline" thing, but being scared poop-less is just not fun. If your body is trying to tell you to stay away from something or someone, you should probably listen to it! Thank me for this advice after you watch the news one day and see that a crazy axe murderer was kind enough to take his kids to a haunted house and then decided to show the "actors" how it's really done.

    Anyways, now that Halloween is over, it's time to embrace the fact that I'm going to have to start gathering all my nuts and berries, since I basically hibernate for the 4 months of cold that Ohio never fails to bring us. In my book, cold weather coincides with being scared, both being things in life that I don't particularly enjoy. And here is why...

    Nicole's List of Reason Why Cold Weather Sucks
    • I'm not as coordinated as I once thought I was. Ice is evil.
    • I bruise like a peach, so when I fall on ice, I arrive at my destination looking like a severely battered woman.
    • I am well-known for choosing to opt out of a shower in the morning so that I can sleep for 20 more minutes (unless I'm stinky, don't worry), but you can't really opt out of scraping your car windows. Or you can, but then you have to suffer through the pain of explaining to your mother why you were launched through your windshield because you didn't realize you were merging into oncoming-freeway traffic, instead of onto your exit ramp.
    • I don't like shoes. I'm a flip-flop wear-er. And socks add so much extra laundry into the mix.
    • I freak out when the bottoms of my pants get wet. Don't ask me why, but it's always been a pet-peeve of mine. It's hard to avoid this in two and half feet of frozen tundra.
    • As people get older, appropriate Christmas gifts for their age group get more pricey. Whatever happened to being happy with getting a box of legos for Christmas? I'm sorry, I can't afford Gucci penny-loafers, Pops. (This is a lie, my dad asks for socks and underwear every year, but he never gets his wish.)
    • If you want to dress practically for cold weather, you are forced into looking like the kid from "A Christmas Story". I'm a single gal, and this look is in no way, shape, or form helping the cause.
    (I guess I shouldn't be complaining, since my mom is very thrifty and has found that keeping the temperature of the house at a brisk 62 degrees saves major cash... I'll be burning plenty of calories with all the shivering I'll be doing this winter. Just kidding, love you Mom. Please don't smack me.)


    As most of you have probably already noticed, I like to change the subject a lot. This is partially because I suffer from severe A.D.D. (which backwards I've decided stands for Damn, I Dont want to pay Attention), but mostly because this is my blog and thus, I can do what I want.

    Originally, I had planned on making this blog about random things I want to talk about, when and how I want to talk about them. This still stands true, except I recently considered doing a more inspiration post, since there is more to me than just plain goofiness, and I want everyone reading this to understand that. So, I chose to make a heart-warming video to share with you all and I hope it lifts you up to the place of inner peace that I found while making it.

    Please, don't judge me.

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