Monday, February 21, 2011

Apparently, I don't like to share.

I've always thought of myself as a fairly selfless person. It was only just recently, that I realized my self-view may have been a little distorted...

When we are young, we are taught that it is nice and polite to share. "If you share, you will make friends.", "If you share, people will think you are a nice person.", "If you share, your peers will like you." etc.

I guess, as a little girl, none of these "values" ever really struck up much interest in my head. "What's mine is yours" always seemed more like a type-o to me, rather than a gesture of kindness. I'm not quite sure where in my life's timeline it was that these teachings fell to my mind's waste-side.

My biggest guess is that it happened when I went from being the baby of my family to the (dun dun dun!) middle child.

At the time, I had an older brother who enjoyed playing in Micro-Machines and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I was always more of a My Little Pony kinda gal, myself.

See, when you're a girl and have an older brother, there's really not much that you share interest in, as far as toys go. Plus, boys have cooties and smell like booties! So, who wants to play with their stuff, anyway? Ya dig?!

Now, the earliest documented piece of evidence I have proving that my innate sense of selfishness spurred from the birth of my sister can be found in a home movie which was filmed during the Winter of 1991-1992, right before the little devil was born.

My mother sat my brother and I down to ask us if we wanted to have a baby brother or a baby sister. Of course, she was just asking out of curiosity. I took her questioning as her suggesting that I had a legitimate choice in the matter. It almost seemed like she just put a catalog in front of me and said, "Ok Nicole, choose one." Mind you, my mother was 8 to 9 months pregnant at this point, so basically what we saw on January 22nd when she arrived, was what we were stuck with. However, being three and a half years old, this concept meant absolutely squat to me, and I had quite a different agenda in mind.

So... it was go big or go home.

"I want a brother AND a sister!"

I mean, hey! She was coming here for me, right?! To be mine, and mine only. I'm pretty sure I equated having a younger sibling to purchasing a My Little Pony from Toys-R-Us.

Side-note: My dearest older brother, who happens to be THE most SELFLESS person I've ever had the priviledge of knowing, said,"Well... I choose whatever Nicole chooses." And of course, with an answer like that, we now know why he is referred to as "The Angel Child."

Anyways, once my sister (and ONLY my sister) came, I still felt like I should continue my reign as "The Baby", as well as the #1 Diva of our household. So, when the camera was on the new baby sleeping, you could always distinctly hear me in the background, singing songs from The Beauty and The Beast... obnoxiously, and at the top of my lungs. And when my poor mother said, "Nicole, Mommy has to go potty, please watch the baby for just one second.", I decided there was never a more opportune time to play hide and seek with the baby and stuck her in a corner of some other room. That way, when Mommy came back, she could focus on the more important child, being me.

Now, when the time came about that my sister could wear the same size clothing as me, the concept of "sharing" made a B-line for the nearest exit in my brain and WWIII arrived in our household. That's also when my three favorite words became... mine, MINE, and MINE!

The point of my story is not that I still don't know how to share, because clearly, I'm an adult, I know I used to be a rotten selfish kid, and everyday I work on being more giving of myself and my things to those people who are in need. But, I find myself hurt and even angry, when people seem unappreciative when I offer up advice, stories, and personal treasures that I hold very dear to my heart, in attempts to help them along their way in life.

I guess that's the thing about sharing, though. No one's going to understand how much that special something meant to you, (be it a Micro-Machine, or a funny, yet embarrassing personal story to help ease a friend in pain) until they are put in a position where their own heart tells them that it needs to give up something special of their own.

Corny enough, here's what I've got to share with you, my readers, for now...

~ ~ Hugs and kisses (XOXO)

Now, try not to be too stingy with those, please. I can't start givin' them away like they mean nothin' to me!

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