Twitter meet #The Worst.

I know some of you are Twitterless Twits and that's ok, don't you fret, because I'll give you a brief rundown about the subject which I'm about to address.

"Twhat?", you say?

Precisely.

There is currently a trend on Twitter, which consists of posts relating to awkward or awfully embarrassing moments in people's lives. These Tweets begin with "That moment when" and then describe the painful moment, which other people may or may not be able to relate to on a personal level. Obviously, I'm a huge fan of this, considering I could write a series of novels on the stupid crap I do on a minute to minute basis. So, for example, someone might post "That moment when you run into your ex during the exact moment that a juicy green booger is dangling from a rogue nose hair and you are completely unaware."

For the record, that has not happened to me... as far as I know. So actually, it might have happened to me.

Oh crap, that totally happened to me.

In fact, just the other day, I posted about how I hopped over a mound of clothes piled on my floor, which made me trip over a godforsaken shoe, landing directly on an earring which was lost in my carpet, coincidentally piercing my left palm. Oh, and this moment was during the wee small hours of the evening, around 2 am, so I couldn't scream because everyone in my house was blissfully slumbering, and heaven forbid I should wake them up to the bloodbath which I just created for myself. I think my face turned purple, then red, then blue all in a matter of 7 seconds.

No. Big. Deal.

And then I made a discovery. Here's the thing about the Twitter generation, we believe we are so clever with our witty hashtags and brutally honest anonymous tweets, however, this whole "That moment when" trend is not an original concept.

Have you ever heard a person tell you a semi-painful story and follow it with, "Yea I hate when that happens... That's the worst."

Ellen Degeneres... one person who I would pay ungodly amounts of money to have lunch with, did a bit about this during one of her stand-ups. I definitely suggest you watch the entire show (You might want to be wearing a diaper while you do). Hey, if you ask nicely, I'll even let you borrow mine, but for the purposes of this post please skip to 6:20 of the video below.

ANYWAYS! I've decided to start the #TheWorst trend on Twitter for two reasons... 

1.) When people think horrible things happen to them, they normally need someone to either tell them, "Oh yea, that's the worst!" or  "Hey, why don't you gain some perspective and go shove your silver spoon up your..."

And 2.) I want to be famous for something.

I actually can't sit here and act like I've never said, "Man, that's the worst!" In fact, here are a list of things that I find are #TheWorst that life has to offer...

1.) When you really gotta go. I mean REALLY gotta go. And you are nowhere near a bathroom. Like NOWHERE NEAR a bathroom. Suddenly you see a glimpse of light in the far off distance! You read the letters and form a connection "REST AREA 1 MILE". You hear angels sing Hallelujah as if they were floating beside you in the passenger seat. You race out out of your car like a bat out of hell (whatever that means) and you squat over the first toilet you see. You relieve yourself, and grab for some toilet tissue. And what do you find. A cylinder of cardboard.  #THEWORST

2.) When you have a cold, the flu, allergies, and every time you start to talk to someone, they ask you who died. #THEWORST

3.) A sunburn. And then a cold shower. #THEWORST

4.) Spilling hot coffee all over yourself while in the car trying to merge onto a major freeway, as you are running late for your first day at your new job. #THEWORST

5.) Sneeze-farting in mid-conversation with your new co-workers during your first week at your new job #THEWORST

6.) Having to come up with something clever to tell your guy friends as to why you don't want to party when you are PMSing or having any kind of menstrual issues. I.E. Boobs that ache too much to move, so I'm not really concerned with raging tonight. #THEWORST

7.) Having an itch somewhere you can't (or shouldn't) scratch. #THEWORST

8.) Eating something crunchy, that by definition should not be crunchy. #THEWORST

... you get the picture.

So, for all you tweeters out there, get this trend going and don't forget to hashtag #GooberDaisy right after it. I want everyone to know I came up with this great idea!

Wait a minute...

Mother May I?

My mother wouldn't let me get my belly button pierced.

My mother forced me to play softball when I asked to cheerlead. I was literally bawling my eyes out, watching out the window as she pulled out of the driveway to sign me up.

My mother didn't buy me a car for my 16th birthday. I don't know why I expected this, but regardless of my idiocy, I did.

My mother promised to never give me another one of her hard-earned dimes if I ever even thought about getting a tattoo anywhere on my body.

My mother made me come straight home after school dances, I wasn't allowed to "stay the night at a friends house".

 My mother cut up my first credit card and made me pay off the entire balance the day she found out I had one.

My mother wouldn't let me watch R-rated movies. She still won't watch one with me. I'm going to be 24 this year.

My mother wouldn't buy or let me wear anything from Abercrombie and Fitch.

My mother made me get up and go to church every Sunday. If I was sick, I had to show her my puke in the toilet in order to get out of it. If I accidentally flushed before she got there, well... I was out of luck.

My mother lectured me about wearing clothes that were too tight, too short, too revealing... and still does to this day.

My mother made me get a job, gave me chores, and made me do my homework. Buzz. Kill.

My mother wouldn't be my friend.

So, if you're wondering how I feel about growing up with the meanest mother that ever lived, my fear of her will not keep me from disclosing the truth to my readers... 

I am eternally grateful for all the things she never let me do.

Happy Birthday Mom, thanks for loving me enough to be mean to me! I love you!

And Happy Mother's Day to all the other mean mothers out there... keep on keepin' on.

Big Girl Panties

Today, I start my very first 40 hour a week, Monday through Friday, big girl job.

I should probably be preparing myself, i.e. packing a lunch, gathering paperwork, finding a work appropriate outfit (since I've been wearing jeans and a t-shirt to my place of employment since I was 17) etc. but instead, here I am... blabbering on for your mid-day literary pleasure needs.

In fact, you are probably sitting in your very own big girl (or boy) cubicle, at your very own big girl (or boy) desk, peering into your very own big girl (or boy) computer screen, skimming over this post to avoid doing your very own big girl (or boy) work.

Ah yes, it is time for Miss Goober Daisy to throw on her very first pair of big girl panties and jump into the real world. And let me tell you, although this is a life event that most people see as inevitable, I've been avoiding it at all costs. Don't get me wrong, I'm pumped to not be working my ass off, only to get paid $4.36 an hour, however I am not a person who is big on the two things I'm about to embark upon: 1.) Responsibility... and 2.) Change.

My entire life, my parents, friends, and family have been trying to extract me from my very own La-La-Land; a place where everyone gets along, arguments are pointless, people work because they enjoy every moment spent at their work place, hot guys aren't complete a-holes, girls don't have to wear a push-up bra to get someone to pay them attention, the most difficult decision you'll have to make is which brand of beer you'd like to drink as you play Cornhole in the summer sun, a smile makes everything better, and daisies grow like dandelions through gravel.

So here I am, growing up, becoming an adult, taking on the world. Am I scared? Out of my mind. But you have to do what you have do. And that might mean I lose my sense of humor, lust for adventure, peace of mind. But hey, we all have to become adults eventually, right?


Wrong. As far as behaving childish goes, you can consider me a "Lifer".

In fact, my future coworkers got lucky that April 1st fell on a Sunday, "The Day of Rest". Lord knows, had today been April Fools, well... I might have ended up back at square one (The Classifieds) tomorrow.

Wish me luck!