If You Like Piña Coladas...

I'm the kind of person that goes into the room, first figuring out the perfect escape route as I simultaneously make small talk with my mom's best friend's friend's cousin's dog walker, and then I settle in and make myself comfortable. I have a few theories that I use to explain this.

1. Fight or flight. Biological instincts. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Which, in many cases, is having to make small talk with my mom's best friend's cousin's dog walker.
2. Something I did in a past life brings me bad karma and I get stuck in awkward situations that force me to immediately remove myself from.
3. You're reading the blog of the prodigal daughter of James Bond and I'm secretly honing skills for a future career in secret agentry. This is the theory that I find most plausible.

So yea, I'm a gal who chickens out and feels the urge to escape certain situations, rather than dealing with them like an adult. But hey, don't we all get that way sometimes? Life's rough. Gas is almost 5 bucks a galloon. The economy is quickly making it's way down the tubes. Global warming is frying our skin. We have every reason to dream of taking a vacation away from reality.

For me, it all started when I was about 6 years old. My older brother and his friend decided they didn't want me tagging along with them one summer day. Which caused me to burst into tears, feeling unwanted and alone. I ran inside, swinging the front door open, sobbing to my mother that I was running away from home because no one here wanted me around. I was going to pack up my belongings as quickly as possible, walk out the front door and never turn back. In laughter, she tried to tell me as kindly as she could (fighting through chuckling) that I was being irrational (Me? Irrational? Nooooo... not me.) and that she loved me and wanted to keep me around, least for a few more good years. But being the drama queen that I was destined to be, I wouldn't hear a word of it, stuffed as many barbies as I could in a handkercheif, tied it in a knot, and tried to find a stick that I could attach my makeshift luggage to. I envisioned how this entire scene would look to my mean brother and his friend, the one's who drove me to such extremes. I wanted to look as depressing as this...

But they didn't even notice I was gone, they just kept playing cowboys and indians. And since at 6, I knew it was pointless to live a life of poverty if no one would even miss me in the process, I got to the end of the street, turned around, went back inside and said "Ma, I'm back. I'll take a PB&J Sandwich. Lightly toasted."

The next time I can remember myself wanting to relocate was when I was a freshman in high school, and all my best friends made the volleyball team, and I got cut. I still think the team could have benefited from having a 5th setter on their roster, but hey... what do I know?

Then, we have the time that I was going through dramatics with boys in college and started googling schools in South Carolina. I've never been to South Carolina, but I thought that it would be a cool enough place to put on my invitation to my going-away party, the event that I planned on asking every boy who's ever broken my heart to attend. Again, I accept the fact that I was born a drama queen.

And finally, we come to the time when I had enough of winter in Ohio. I self diagnosed myself with Seasonal Depression Disorder and started looking at houses on the internet in Tennessee for me to move into. I even came close to making appointments with realtors. Mind you, I had about 250 bucks in my bank account at the time and maybe 14 bucks in savings. And I thought I was ready to purchase a home.

I never claimed to be the brightest crayon in the box.

Honestly, I'm the kind of person who fantasizes about dropping everything, starting from scratch, giving myself a clean slate. I see myself wearing big sunglasses with a silk scarf wrapped around my head, cruising top down, (I'd have a convertible just for this purpose), blasting "If You Like Piña Coladas" through my speakers and driving until I feel like I'm in a place that I could call home. Living out of my Nissan, with no money, no job lined up... just risking it all and letting destiny do it's job.

Actually, doing this would scare the living crap out of me, and of course I would never do it, without some kind of stability and structure to my plan, but it's nice to have a dream like this to take my mind off of the fact that I am putting $50 into my car, just to get half a tank of gas.

So, here is my dream, here is where I would live, here is the place that I escape to when things are getting hard to handle, and I feel the need to runaway from home...

This brings me to my fourth and final theory for why I always try to escape things. I just want to be able to say that I live in a "bungalow". That word makes me giggle.

Want vs. Need

I'd like to give a great big shout out to Eve right now!  You know her.  Forbidden fruit? Garden of Eden? Satan as a snake? Any of that ringing a bell? No? Well... go to church if that's your thing and if it's not, use the idiot proof website known as Google.

Anyways, I'm shouting out to Eve because she is the dumbest girl to ever live, successfully made women look bad for all eternity, plus she added an annoying relative to our family that we all know as Aunt Flow. Thanks girl, really appreciate your lapse in judgement.

Free will is a funny thing when you sit down and think about it. Because, not only do we get to make every tiny decision in our own lives, but I think it makes a lot of people, myself included, get the definitions of the words "want" and "need" completely mixed up.

So, this blog is really just going to be me, reinforcing elementary school vocabulary into my 22 year old brain, because at this point in my life... the meaning of those two words somehow always finds a way to blur itself in my mind. And if I can help out my fellow readers while attempting this, well hey... GO ME!

Let's begin with the wants. Ahhhh... the things that I want in life. You know how much I love lists...

• I want to be able to eat a car made out chocolate and still maintain Jennifer Aniston's body without lifting a finger.
• I want to have the brain power of Einstein, and never touch another boring textbook. At this rate, it's not lookin' purty people.
• I want to wake up in the morning and feel the urge to burn the piles of large unmarked bills that I want to have just laying around my bedroom.
• I want to be dating Justin Timberlake. And I want to tell people that we're waiting to get engaged until I feel that I've accomplished all the goals I want to achieve in this life, as far as being a single lady goes. All of my independent ladies, you know what I'm talking about!
• I want to open up a magazine, and freak out after seeing a photo of me at the Grammy's that makes my butt look as big as JLo's.

Now, for my Debbie Downer list.

• I need to work out. Like really, I've got the capability to be Fun-Sized, but I'm well on my way to King-Sized if I keep this crap up. Sorry chocolate car of my dreams, but I hope you never become a reality for me... unless you bring me a TLC special about my fast track to obesity, in which case, you're more than welcome to come around and stay awhile.
• I need to be writing two papers. Not blogging. If I were better at realizing the difference between this want and need, then it probably wouldn't take me a decade and a half to graduate. But ehhh, I love you guys too much... I'm gonna give myself this one. I like my 10 year plan anyways, it gives me character.
• I need to start saving my money so that I have some fingernails left by payday. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every nail biting Thursday I've put myself through... well... I wouldn't be biting my nails over money anymore.
• I need to stop going for the dudes who I feel are the closest thing to Justin Timberlake that I'll ever get... aka guys who look nice, but are not. They are very, very, very not nice. But man, are they nice to look at?!
• I need to stop searching for pictures of myself in People Magazine... because that's just weird.

Yes, I know what you're thinking... "Nicole!! You're only young once!". I too have had this satanic thought, and it is thoughts like these which have been my slow demise for the majority of adulthood thus far. Alright, it's not that serious, but it is something that we should all give some serious thought to. I mean, it's ok to give in to a "want" every now and then, but you need to consciously be aware that you may not be making the smartest decision and also be fully prepared for the consequences that are sure to follow and will more than likely come back to bite you in the ass. And when I say you, I of course mean I.

I was going to post this to complain about people who say things like, "Ohmygawd! I need this new Coach bag." or "I have to get the new iPhone!" because we all know folks who do that (if you are one of them, I apologize for complaining about your annoying-ness). When I listen to people speak like that, I get pestered, knowing that their heart won't fall out of their chest if they don't get the things they've convinced themselves they will die without.

However, as I was writing my complaint, I realized I was being quite hypocritical, because I know I say the same exact thing, just not when wishing for material things.

If any of you would like to join me, I've decided to post the definitions of the words "want" and "need" on my bathroom mirror, so that I quit sounding like a complete and total bimbo to the people who actually take the time to listen to the words that spew out of my big fat mouth. 

And I will take them down, once I convince Honda that chocolate is the future of the automobile industry.

Gripes

When I was in the 8th grade, my class went camping for a field trip. Before we departed, one of our teachers who was chaperoning laid down some ground rules for this event. One of her biggest points of emphasis was that there was to be no "griping". I had no idea what this word meant at the time. She elaborated by saying that we needed to make sure we were properly prepared for this trip with bug spray, sunscreen, and warm clothing... because if we weren't and then felt somehow inconvenienced by the great outdoors, her response to our complaints would be, "Sucks to be you.".

The great thing about blogging is that you can write about almost anything your little heart desires. Therefore, her rule doesn't apply here, and I raise her request for no gripes with my own ground rule...  

"You've got to give bitching where bitching is due."

As I got off work the other day, I was shocked to find that the usual cheery blue skies of Ohio, were painted a lovely shade of gray. Speaking of complaining, bad weather is something that Ohioan's can never seem to get used to, (Although every year we encounter this unpredictable weather pattern and vow to relocate to San Francisco as fast as we can pack our things and never look back. Which is also something that never happens.)

Anyway...

As I approached the door to exit, I thought to myself, "Self, why didn't you watch the news this morning? Why don't you watch the news any morning? Why are you always so unprepared and umbrella-less?" and then realizing that there was literally nothing I could do to avoid a sopping wet disaster, I trudged onward, persuading myself that a little rain never hurt anyone.

Enter Gripe, stage left.

Socially, whether you realize it or not, there is a polite way to walk in America. It's the same way we drive. Stay to the right, unless you are making a turn left, in which case, you move to the center lane and wait for the oncoming traffic to pass, thus allowing you a comfortable distance to maneuver and be on your merry way. In a multi-lane scenario, all slower moving vehicles should remain to the right, so that passing traffic may use the "fast-lane" for its intended purpose... which is, passing slow-pokes.

So... why then, do people who are walking with a group of friends, feel the need to take up the entire sidewalk, even though they know there are other pedestrians, either walking towards them, or approaching them from the rear? If you were driving, and saw two friends in two other cars, would you drive together side by side, taking your time so that all other traffic has to wait in annoyance? No. You wouldn't. So why do people walk like that? I would say this statement is directed mostly to females, the species that cannot urinate without a partner(s), but as I was walking on this particular rainy day, 3 guys without umbrellas decided to mosey along in front of me, side by side, as if they were Siamese triplets with magical, water repellent skin... and honestly, I'm pretty sure those don't exist in real life. One of them even turned around as he heard my flip flops sloshing through the puddles behind them, but still kept on walking slowly with the others, like they were purposely trying to lose a 4 legged race. (I don't think those exist either, but you catch my drift.)

Surrrrrre, I could have said, "Eh hemm... excuse me, little girl with no shelter/hooded apparatus trying to pass.", but their discussion on whether it was Taco Bell's Cheesey Gordita Crunch or Chalupa Supreme which had more protein per serving was so intense that I dared not interrupt for fear of losing a limb on account of their starvation. Which, if I might add, was even more reason for them to pick up the pace. Helloooo! If you're so hungry, quit attempting the impossble task of metamorphasizing into a human sloth. In the pouring rain.

Stupid boys. Learn how to walk politely, before I attack you with this frizzy, Medusa-like mane that your un-sexy saunter is creating.

Exit Gripe, stage right.