Monday, March 7, 2011

Oh, Lent... how you cause my head such ache-age.

Although I know you all will have a very difficult time wrapping your head around this concept... I will now take the time to address said rumors about myself.

Yes, the accusations are true, I do have weaknesses.

And with tomorrow being Fat Tuesday, I've been examining a few of them quite closely, so as to decide what my Lenten promise should be this year.

I have also chosen to humble myself, by sharing these flaws with you and thus undoubtedly causing myself public humiliation until the end of time. Because as you know, I can be rather shy when it comes to disclosing personal and embarrassing information about myself to complete and total strangers. So, I beg of you... please be gentle with your judgements.

I'll begin with
Weakness Numero Uno:

I hold Barney and Ally Hartman accountable for this life-altering addiction of mine, since they were the geniuses who invented the substance that I refer to as "liquid crack".  I've been known to drink as many as 4 cans in one day, and if I don't get a fix before about 1 p.m., you can observe a slight tremor in my right hand and a cranky attitude that completely takes over my usually pleasant demeanor. I am considering giving this product up for Lent, mainly due to the fact that I've heard my family conspiring about some sort of intervention and telling people that my parents disowned me because I couldn't kick citrus soda pop to the curb, really doesn't do much for my "bad-ass" reputation.


Exhibit B:

Merriam-Webster defines the word "Chocoholic" as, "A person who craves and compulsively consumes chocolate."... To me, this is an understatement when it is used to describe my lifestyle.

You see, when I see anything chocolate, my face goes from this...

to this...

And in case you are suffering from severe cataracts... this happens to be a very legitimate issue, on more levels than one.

My last vice could quite possibly be the most difficult habit for me to break...
And that's because I'm about 90% sure that I have a tattoo on my back that says, "If you're a jerk, please come flirt with me."

Yes, that's right... for some odd reason, if a guy is a total butt-hole, nature attaches a weird gravitational pull between us and I find it next to impossible to stay away.

Which is why I decided to turn off 20/20 when I saw this guy come on the screen...

For starters... I have a very obsessive and impulsive personality, to go along with bad judgment in men, so if I tuned into this program for longer than about 45 seconds, there was a substantial chance that I would decide to stalk Mr. Sheen. And well, I just can't afford to be charmed by a man who has "Tiger Blood" and refers to me as a goddess, if at one point or another he's going to threaten to chop my head off. Although, at the rate I'm going with guys, I wouldn't be surprised if the thought took me more than a minute to completely dismiss.

So, if you all could please keep me and all of my "weaknesses" in mind while I venture off tonight, to meet a creep at Dairy Queen for a Brownie Earthquake Date, I would truly appreciate it. And don't worry, I'll be sure to wash down my remorse with an ice cold Dewski on the ride home.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...