Monday, September 5, 2011

The Awkward List

There is nothing I hate more than awkward moments in life. So, my goal, (which I hope to accomplish via this post) is to decrease the amount of unnecessary uncomfortable life situations. My plan? Create a list of things that force thoughts of projectile regurgitation into my brain and hope that the idea of me vomiting from socially awkward scenarios will gross you guys out enough, that if you're the people causing these things to happen, you'll cut that crap out.

  1. Conversations on elevators - I've literally never had a pleasant conversation with a person on an elevator, whether they were one of my best friends or a total stranger off the street. Think about it! Elevators are uncomfortable in the first place. They are normally small, not very well ventilated (which leads to unfamiliar and often times unpleasant smells), they either move too fast and make your stomach flip inside of you in 9 different directions, or move too slow and make you worry that your last thoughts in life are going to be a questioning of what in God's name the smell in the creepy elevator is from. So, in this already horrible situation, please do not try to make small talk with the person next to you. Use this time to pray for your own safe arrival to your destination, and do not add any more anxiety to the other parsons stuck inside these wire-driven death traps with you. Sure... you may think that a friendly "Hi, how ya doin?" never hurt anybody, but the next thing you know you're discussing why you think your athlete's foot has been flaring up lately and how your fiance just ran off with a midget clown from a traveling circus. No conversations on elevators. Please, just smile, nod, and be on your merry way.
  2. Sighing/Grunting in public restrooms - Seriously people! Seriously! Not only is this extremely disgusting, but it also makes for hard decisions in the minds of the rest of the people using the John. Should we giggle? Do we grimace? Do we get the hell out of there before we die? I guess I sort of understand the sighing. There have been times that I have had to hold it on road trips and my instincts tell me to let out a sigh of relief the moment I get to wiz... but never do I ever follow my gut when it tells me to do this! Never let your mouth produce any noise of any kind in a public restroom. NO EXCUSES! 
  3. Pausing/Stopping a song while someone is singing along - This is really directed towards my close group of girlfriends who think my voice is anything less than comparable to Whitney Houston's or Celine Dion's. But, I'm sure there's others out there like me. Hey man, it feels good to let loose and belt out a ballad every once in awhile! It does not feel good to be publicly humiliated when your friends hear you singing the bridge to "My Heart Will Go On" in the key of Kermit The Frog. That's just down-right cruel. Please have mercy and let the songs play.
  4. The Sneeze Fart - This is also known as a pressure fart. We've all done it. We've all heard other people do it. There's really no way to avoid it. Actually, sneezing is a part of life that has many components involved which we have absolutely no control over. You can't control when you sneeze, (I think the "Say Banana" trick is a hoax), you can't keep your eyes open when you sneeze (very dangerous to drive and have a bad cold, folks), and if your body wants to let out a sneeze fart, then you're going to let out a sneeze fart. So, all I can say to those involved is... play dumb. There's really no other solution to this socially awkward moment. Turn the cheek and have pity on people who sneeze fart, because one day that person is going to be you.
  5. Insert Foot in Mouth Moments - Personally, this normally happens to me when I've had one too many glasses of wine and I'm around people who I don't really know too well. The funny thing about these moments is that you can actually hear yourself sounding like a complete and total ass, but there's no stopping it once it's started. Family secrets are shared, creepy urges are unveiled, and both parties involved in the conversation feel more awkwardness in their pinky toes than a single person should ever have to feel in their lifetime. So, the fix to this problem is to always have a reliable DD around. A Designated Deflector, as I like to call them... is someone who is willing to deflect the attention away from you when you start sounding like an incompetent imbecile. 
Ok children, what have we learned today?! We have learned that I am very, very, very socially awkward. And if you were all my REAL friends, you would help a sister out and forgive my strange habits.

Great, so glad we got that out in the open.

1 comment:

  1. Ask Mike sometime about the experience he had with #2 (literally, in the stall next to him) and my curious, nine year old wondering what the noises were. It was like a poop play-by-play.


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