Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why Crazy Women Exist.

First, please watch this youtube video:
Alright, so clearly Miranda Lambert is a little bit hotter to guys than most crazy girls out there, but if you're looking for reasoning behind the multitudes of insane females across the globe, her music video illustrates my theory perfectly.

Men. Make. Women. Crazy.

Now, logically speaking, men aren't always to blame. Not every man out there is a cheating, filthy, piece of you know what, and women aren't innocent either. However, coming from a woman's standpoint, I can tell you that one bad apple always ruins the bunch. Get screwed over by a guy once in your life, and that's all it takes to make a cynical lunatic out of you for the rest of it. Now, you may be able to maintain a relationship with a dude and things will be puppies and butterflies for a while, but you'll have crazy tendencies that will lead to him either, leaving you for the psycho you've masked so well up to this point, or your paranoia will drive him to yet another act of unsportsmanlike conduct that will leave you one more scar on your already tainted heart. Sad, huh?!

Nevertheless, I believe the main reason why women go crazy over guys is because they don't know when it's not crazy to be crazy; they don't know which male behaviors are ok to get in a tizzy over and which ones make you look like a looney, if you get upset about them.

So, I've decided to compile a list of hypothetical scenarios that call for acts of insanity and ones that most certainly do not. I'll even color coordinate it for you!
  • If you have a man, who is notorious for cheating, pushing limits, taking risks, or blowing entire paychecks at strip-clubs- I say it's ok for you to go through his phone.
  • If you have a man who volunteers at an animal shelter, helps elderly women cross the street, gives his McDonald's to the homeless bum who sits outside in December- it's not ok to call his most recently dialed number which is labeled "Grandma" on a mission to cuss out whoever picks up because you have an inkling that he's cheating.
  • If you've been dating a guy for 7 years, and he doesn't respond to your texts or call you at the end of the night, when he's out with the boys- you have reason to give him the silent treatment.
  • If you've been dating a guy for 7 hours and he doesn't respond to your text which read "Hey Baby Boo Bear!!!! :) :) :) :)" after 20 minutes- you might have more than just a problem with texting. But then again if you're texting a guy phrases like that then you probably aren't very good at giving the silent treatment either. So, I guess we don't really need to worry about that.
  • If your guy spends more time at work than at home and tells you he had to stay late at the office until 3 am because of a meeting...  and he works at Starbucks- it's ok for you to follow him in your car during his next shift.
  • If you are dating this guy

and you suspect he's "at work" and up to no good- get over it. Because if you're dating Justin Timberlake, I don't really think you should be taking relationship advice from a girl like me... you seem to be doing alright on your own.

Now boys, don't think you're getting off the hook that easy.
If you wish for more normal girls to exist, be a good guy. Don't cheat, don't lie, don't be shady. Otherwise, you'll wind up in an awful situation with an ugly crazy stalker chick, who as a good friend once told me, has pancake boobs. And nobody likes pancake boobs. 
See Exhibit B(About the girl, not the boobs.):

Care for some rabbit stew, gentlemen?

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