I was thinking the other day about super powers.
As in, if I could have any super power, which one would I choose?
I decided that the power of flight would best suit me, but only because I always have dreams that I can fly and I find it quite exhilarating. Alright, well it's not really flying in my dreams, per say... it's more like I have an invisible wheelchair that I'm sitting in, and I'm in the air, looking down on everyone else from it and if I need to get anywhere, I just start pushing my invisible wheelchair wheels. The harder I push, the faster I fly. And for all of that invisible wheeling I do, my biceps still maintain a perfectly feminine shape. Although, when I wake up, I always want to rub on a good glob of icey-hot, to use as a precaution against that day-after-work-out burn.
Anywho...
Before I made this ever-so-important executive life decision, I kept on debating the concept of telepathy. At first, I thought it would be the greatest super-power to be endowed with. This could be because, at the time, I was standing in small, confined area next to someone with a bad case of body odor and the only thought that was streaming through my pea-brain was, "Dude, that extra swipe of Old Spice definitely would not have been a bad idea." Of course, if I had telepathy at that point, I could have told him this remark somewhat politely, via my inner-most thoughts.
As you can only imagine, there are other times when telepathy would be a great tool to carry in your super-belt.
Exhibit A: Meeting members of the opposite sex while out with a group of friends.
My group of friends likes to go out, have a few drinks, and bust out a few dance moves every now and then. There are pros and cons to situations like this. The pro is that it always presents you with an opportunity to meet new interesting people. The con is that these new people might not be the kind that you are really interested in meeting, aka creepy men who think it's ok to sneak up behind you and start dancing while you are completely unaware of their presence.
Now, here's where telepathy would play a key role in the lives of females across the globe...
The guy dancing behind you is normally one of two options...
1) He is a cute med student who rarely gets a chance to go out and cut loose, since his main focus is studying up on the craft of saving human lives, and has a weird but endearing obsession with dance songs from the early 90's including Snap's "I've Got The Power"
... or ...
2) He's a 36 year old bachelor who still lives in his mothers basement, plays halo 15 hours out of the day and had a little too much liquid courage for the evening.
Now, if I had telepathy and one of my girls was in this situation with guy #1, I would think to myself, "Yeaaaaa, that's my girl. Get it, get it, just don't go overkill on the Michael Jackson grabs." And with guy #2, I would just shoot her a quick mind message saying, "S.O.S.", and we would race to the bathroom, claiming her bladder is two thirds the size of an average adult's.
Telepathy would be completely useful in my daily life.
But given the choice, we all know I would obviously go with the invisible flying wheelchair. Which actually, is more of an instrument, than a super power.
Technicalities.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Lap Dances
After hanging out tonight with some girls from my mom's side of my family, a few epiphanies have popped into my brain...
1) If you ever play a board game with my mother, be aware that she uses it as an outlet for all inappropriate or R-rated comments that have been lingering in the depths of her mind. Cover your eyes and ears as you feel necessary.
2) If you ever play with my sister, her ultimate goal is to scavenge your house to find the perfect prop during guessing games... so make sure you clean up before hand, and relocate any and all unmentionables to a cupboard at least 6 feet off the ground.
3) We have this thing in my family that some like to call "Pulling a Lang." It's a stare that you do when you feel like spacing out, and I'd say that 90% of people with genetics from my mothers side do this stare at least 7 times daily. I tell people that I'm sleeping with my eyes open, and they kinda look at me like I'm insane, but I'm telling you it feels so good. The next time you see me, ask me about it and I will be happy to demonstrate.
4) No one in the world will ever cook better than my father. Try to prove me wrong. I dare you. So, to all of you fellas out there trying to romance me (all negative 4 of you), you better know how to cook... because my dad's inexplicable talents have left me with the equivalent cooking skills of a spoiled 6 year old.
5) Because of statement #1, I am boycotting family board games, until I get the name of a good therapist.
6) I have the musical knowledge of a 57 year old woman. Which, I have always thought was sort of cool and unique, but it actually leaves me feeling under-stimulated when playing "Singing Bee" with my 16 year old cousin and 18 year old sister. Games like "Singing Bee", if you are unfamiliar, have just about one too many Dionne Warwick sing-a-longs and not quite enough Katy Perry trivia.
7) In regards to the title of my post... we were playing a game that required the players to shout out activities that you do in a pool which start with the letter L. My mom's first response was lap dances. I think you now understand statement #5.
...
On a side-note... I have been tested by many people recently, who chose to make unnecessary snide remarks in attempts to make themselves appear more intelligent and intellectual to others. And since I am witty, but not quite as quick as I'd like, please consider the following statement my universal comeback...
No one wants to be around someone who is constantly searching for and pointing out the flaws in others, in order to distract people from seeing the flaws in themselves.
Just FYI, it's a little bit cuter to poke fun at how stupid YOU can seem and how silly YOU can sometimes sound. If you try this, people might find you endearing and sincere, which are both qualities that form companionship and friendship and tend to humble you into becoming all-around nice person.
Now, that's all the "Dear Abby" advice I have for now. Until next time...
"Promise yourself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble."
1) If you ever play a board game with my mother, be aware that she uses it as an outlet for all inappropriate or R-rated comments that have been lingering in the depths of her mind. Cover your eyes and ears as you feel necessary.
2) If you ever play with my sister, her ultimate goal is to scavenge your house to find the perfect prop during guessing games... so make sure you clean up before hand, and relocate any and all unmentionables to a cupboard at least 6 feet off the ground.
3) We have this thing in my family that some like to call "Pulling a Lang." It's a stare that you do when you feel like spacing out, and I'd say that 90% of people with genetics from my mothers side do this stare at least 7 times daily. I tell people that I'm sleeping with my eyes open, and they kinda look at me like I'm insane, but I'm telling you it feels so good. The next time you see me, ask me about it and I will be happy to demonstrate.
4) No one in the world will ever cook better than my father. Try to prove me wrong. I dare you. So, to all of you fellas out there trying to romance me (all negative 4 of you), you better know how to cook... because my dad's inexplicable talents have left me with the equivalent cooking skills of a spoiled 6 year old.
5) Because of statement #1, I am boycotting family board games, until I get the name of a good therapist.
6) I have the musical knowledge of a 57 year old woman. Which, I have always thought was sort of cool and unique, but it actually leaves me feeling under-stimulated when playing "Singing Bee" with my 16 year old cousin and 18 year old sister. Games like "Singing Bee", if you are unfamiliar, have just about one too many Dionne Warwick sing-a-longs and not quite enough Katy Perry trivia.
7) In regards to the title of my post... we were playing a game that required the players to shout out activities that you do in a pool which start with the letter L. My mom's first response was lap dances. I think you now understand statement #5.
...
On a side-note... I have been tested by many people recently, who chose to make unnecessary snide remarks in attempts to make themselves appear more intelligent and intellectual to others. And since I am witty, but not quite as quick as I'd like, please consider the following statement my universal comeback...
No one wants to be around someone who is constantly searching for and pointing out the flaws in others, in order to distract people from seeing the flaws in themselves.
Just FYI, it's a little bit cuter to poke fun at how stupid YOU can seem and how silly YOU can sometimes sound. If you try this, people might find you endearing and sincere, which are both qualities that form companionship and friendship and tend to humble you into becoming all-around nice person.
Now, that's all the "Dear Abby" advice I have for now. Until next time...
"Promise yourself to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble."
Sunday, November 7, 2010
The Ultimate Wipe Out
As a kid, I vividly remember that about once I week, I would prance around the edge of the playground during recess, making up songs in my head and singing them outloud while the other kids broke their arms on the monkey bars. Yes... I was that kid. My parents say I was "creative". You may feel free to call me weird, I'm used to it.
The reason why I'm telling you this, is to give you somewhat of an explanation for that video I made in a previous post... I'm glad you all found it so entertaining. I see that the majority of you haven't changed since 2nd grade. It's ok, I thrive off being ridiculed.
...
For some reason, I was thinking about my childhood today and the memory of my first pogo stick experience came to mind. Let me tell you, it's a very painful memory. I actually think my tailbone is still jacked up from the fall. It was the first time I had the wind knocked out of myself. I don't really know why it happened... but I tend to be the kind of person who sees something cool that someone else is doing, and automatically assume that I can do it better. I'm sure that had something to do with it. Anyways... my friend had a pogo stick sitting in her garage and one day I looked at it and thought I'd give it a whirl.
Boing.
Boing.
Boing.
Hello concrete floor.
The next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes that wouldn't go anywhere because I was too focused on getting more oxygen to my brain so that I wouldn't pass completely out. My tailbone felt like someone had literally ripped my tail (if I had a tail) off. The funniest thing about this memory is that the feeling of embarrassment surpassed the physical pain I was feeling at the time. I think it took me a good two weeks to get over the fact that I choked trying to impress the neighborhood kids with what I thought was cat-like agility. And gosh it hurt. It hurt so freaking bad. Now-a-days, if I trip over a shoelace and people are around, I immediately reach my hand out for their help. I don't give a crap if they are homeless bums begging for my change. Granted, now I'm about 80 lbs heavier, so the process of "getting up" is not quite as simplistic as it used to be.
Darn it. I just got so depressed. I was a kid back then! I should have been able to get on a pogo stick without breaking my face! I'm 22 years old. There is no way in hell that I could do that now. I'm done writing. I'm going to go look for a pogo stick in the garage. I must redeem myself.
 |
| Too cool, even back then. |
The reason why I'm telling you this, is to give you somewhat of an explanation for that video I made in a previous post... I'm glad you all found it so entertaining. I see that the majority of you haven't changed since 2nd grade. It's ok, I thrive off being ridiculed.
...
For some reason, I was thinking about my childhood today and the memory of my first pogo stick experience came to mind. Let me tell you, it's a very painful memory. I actually think my tailbone is still jacked up from the fall. It was the first time I had the wind knocked out of myself. I don't really know why it happened... but I tend to be the kind of person who sees something cool that someone else is doing, and automatically assume that I can do it better. I'm sure that had something to do with it. Anyways... my friend had a pogo stick sitting in her garage and one day I looked at it and thought I'd give it a whirl.
Boing.
Boing.
Boing.
Hello concrete floor.
The next thing I knew, I had tears in my eyes that wouldn't go anywhere because I was too focused on getting more oxygen to my brain so that I wouldn't pass completely out. My tailbone felt like someone had literally ripped my tail (if I had a tail) off. The funniest thing about this memory is that the feeling of embarrassment surpassed the physical pain I was feeling at the time. I think it took me a good two weeks to get over the fact that I choked trying to impress the neighborhood kids with what I thought was cat-like agility. And gosh it hurt. It hurt so freaking bad. Now-a-days, if I trip over a shoelace and people are around, I immediately reach my hand out for their help. I don't give a crap if they are homeless bums begging for my change. Granted, now I'm about 80 lbs heavier, so the process of "getting up" is not quite as simplistic as it used to be.
Darn it. I just got so depressed. I was a kid back then! I should have been able to get on a pogo stick without breaking my face! I'm 22 years old. There is no way in hell that I could do that now. I'm done writing. I'm going to go look for a pogo stick in the garage. I must redeem myself.
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